Monti's open letter
Dear mental health,
You’ve always been there. The question is, what kind of mental health do I choose today? Healthy or unhealthy? One of darkness or of the light?
I remember you like a child remembers their invisible friend, always by their side and as real as can be, except I was forced to be stuck with you, I was forced to believe your dark was meant to be with me for life and to accept you for who you are.
I was first introduced to you at the age of 6 by a lady who I was sent to see in an office who appeared to be like a doctor except she asked me questions I had never heard before. “Are you sad all the time? Do you see your mommy and daddy drink out of bottles that smell funny? Does your mommy and daddy hurt you? Do you think of hurting yourself and/or other people?” What little truth I told, resulted in me being told I was sick with illnesses such as ADHD, depression, bipolar and others I couldn’t pronounce. I then spent most of my early childhood in those same kind of offices regularly being asked questions that made me uncomfortable, having to take tests where suction cups were stuck to my head and swallowing many pills a day because there was always “something wrong with me” and needed to be treated. Little did they know of the entire truth of the abuse, violence, alcoholism, drugs, abandonment, and other traumatic events that I was subjected to that left me feeling confused, lonely, heartbroken and traumatized.
Mental health, your level of sickness elevated drastically after I found my 13 year old best friend hanging from a tree at the age of 11 where we then became inseparable and you never left my side reminding me everyday that I was sick, worthless and unloved. After that, the pill intake went up to as many as 10 per day and later being admitted and spending most my adolescent years in many facilities after being tied to a bed, after having my stomach pumped from taking a handful of pills in efforts to just be reunited with my dead best friend. I continued to spend most of my adolescent and teen years on and off the streets, dodging foster care and in and out of more of your many facilities after being handcuffed for cutting myself, slitting my wrist and many more I can’t even remember.
I have been told that leaders live a very lonely life and because they’re constantly in the position to be for everyone else, no one ever knows when they’re really suffering inside, not even themselves. There is no warning. The first warning is a break of some kind. Some find a way to get past it and others don’t. Don’t be fooled to believe that the ones you look to for guidance and strength live a life all put together. They actually are the ones that need the most help because they’re not only dealing with their own issues of being a human in this world, but they are also caring and dealing with everyone else’s and aren’t free to express their hurts as freely as everyone else. I’m not going to end this with music being the fixer or healer or my therapy to all of this because it’s not and it never was. I’m not going to end this with music being the healer or therapy to all of this because it’s not and it never was. The awareness I even had issues and the motivation to even want to heal was always how I saw that. Whatever I did impacted others, whether it was from a song I wrote, to my dead best friend, to how great it felt to be in the club tonight, to falling in love all had nothing to do with music. I just listened to a homeless guy talk to me about all his issues with how cold it was. I heard from a young girl who just got rescued from being a sex slave being raped constantly for the past 5 years of her life. I noticed that I made a huge difference and impacted lives by being able to share my own stories of sufferings, trials and tribulations that allowed me to be able to relate to those that may not be in the triumph phase yet. I was someone who could recognize and relate to their sufferings, I could connect and they could receive my messages and testimonies of breakthrough and new possibilities, new beginnings, healing, purpose and love. My friends are the reason that makes life worth living. Before I can take care of others, I have to take care of myself.
Just like anything else, it takes effort to stay healthy. I ask everyone, what are you feeding your mental health?
I watched you destroy the home I grew up in, poison my mind, deceive me into thinking that I’m sick and unloveable and unwanted. I think people give you too much credit and too much power in the environment of darkness and not enough in the light. Power works both ways, for good or for evil. The question is, which will you choose to be in?
Now even today, Mr & Mrs Health, for me you sneak and creep in to pull me back into darkness but you only have as much power I give you.
I ask myself, what kind of mental health do I choose today? One of darkness or of light?
What kind of mental health will you choose today?