Damsel Adams' open letter
Dear mental Health,
You creeped up on me unexpectedly. Uninvited. It’s been a while since you last saw me. But why now? I’ll never understand. I’ve been doing great without you. I’ve been stronger than ever, loving myself more each day, being more grateful each day. Yoga, meditation, and therapy have fed me. Kept you away.
You see when you come with all your negativity and bullshit, you know I’m empathetic and you take advantage. I give you room to live in my head. You wrap yourself around me like a snake. You take me down with you, you hypnotize me like a King Cobra. You poison me, spreading your negative propaganda into my mind and my body. I tug, I push, I scream in my head. We are in a battle. My chest tightens up. My hands get all clammy. I feel dizzy. Every breathe is a struggle. I’m about to pass out. Every thought is that I’m dying. My body aches. It’s not only mental but a physical pain. It hurts. When will this end?
And are people watching? I must look like I’m going fucking insane. But I’m not crazy.
I hope my loved ones understand I did not choose this for me. I did not invite anxiety and it’s bff depression into my life. It’s genetics. It’s a chemical imbalance.
It’s traumatic. I’ve put in years and years of hard work into not feeling this shitty. And believe me I’ve been good. It’s been worse before.
God I wouldn’t wish this on my own worst enemy. It’s truly a silent pain. You don’t see it and it may not be real to you but let me tell you through my lens it’s as real as breaking an arm, it’s as real as having a toothache, as real as a head on collision, it’s as real as ever. All I ask is please be patient with me. I’m the one having to live with this, not you. It’s a part of me. So please know that I am trying. Please accept me as I am and in full.
I need you to be as calm as classical music. As soothing as Debussy and as safe as Beethoven. And please don’t say: just think of positive thoughts during my sudden attacks. It just makes it worse and believe me, I’m doing that every second of the day. And thank you to those of you that are listening. To those choosing to sit there in silence with us. Thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for that long and warm embrace. And no embrace is warmer or more comforting than Music.
Music. The love of my life. Thank you for being an outlet for me. When I sing loud into a microphone I feel like a lion. I feel powerful. You take me away. I am not thinking about my worries, my stress, I honestly can’t think of anything but my melodies and my stories I tell with my songs. I’m finally home. Anxiety free. And happy. I’m in love with you Music.
So Anxiety, you aren’t welcomed in my house. And if you ever show up uninvited, I’ve got an army of warriors ready for you. Until one day you get tired of fighting. Maybe one day we can reach a peace treaty. Maybe one day... you little shit.
*stream of conscience